There seems to be less to say these days, for the same reason our camera seems to have less pictures on it. We still remember things vividly, especially as annual events cycle past (our big church picnic, Halloween, a friend’s daughter’s birthday party) and we reflect on how things were so different a year ago. The memories are fresh, but a lot of the zest is missing from the present. We go through the motions of our former lives, but without James or Dora, things feel more subdued.
In truth, it isn’t because we have nothing more to say that we haven’t been updating the blog very recently. Abby is trying to write a book about our children and some of the things we’ve learned. We don’t know a thing about finding a publisher or anything like that, but God has clearly indicated that she’s supposed to be doing this, and we believe that the rest will follow. One of the most recent confirmations is a check we received in the mail on Friday. It was our payment for allowing one of my early blog posts to be published in a compilation volume. We’ll put up a link when the book is in print.
On October 27, all of James’s grandparents came down for a special time of remembering James at his graveside inurnment service. Although it is just a physical place, and not really where James is right now, James has a little blue box inside a niche in a shady section called the Garden of Reflections at All Faiths Memorial Park a few miles from our home. Something about seeing the caulk applied to the niche to seal it shut before the marble wall was bolted on was difficult for me; I can’t explain why. It was so final. I know he’s not in there, but it seemed so sad nonetheless.
Abby’s dad planted some pansies in a planter which we were able to put in front of the niche – white to represent the innocence of an infant, and blue to represent a heavenly home we believe he is resting in. Adorning the planter are a plastic bee to stand for one his first toy friend, a plastic truck to stand for one of his later toy friends, a little jack-o-lantern to remind us of how photogenic he was this time last year. Also we placed a little picture of James, because it seemed incomplete without a smile.
I wish I could remember all the things the grandparents shared about James. I know they talked about how engaging he was, how courageous, and how attentive. How his sweet character and focus on others was so unusual for a child. They shared some favorite memories, and we all cried because we missed him so much. When there was no more to say, we read these scriptures and tried to focus on the hope of eternal life, the goodness of God, and his love for those like James:
Then little children were brought to Jesus for him to place his hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples rebuked those who brought them. Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”
“See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.” – Matthew 19:13-15, 18:10[Jesus said,] “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.” – John 14:1-3
So will it be with the resurrection of the dead. The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable; it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power; it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body. If there is a natural body, there is also a spiritual body. – 1 Corinthians 15:42-44
“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” – Matthew 5:3-10See, the Sovereign LORD comes with power, and his arm rules for him. See, his reward is with him, and his recompense accompanies him. He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young. – Isaiah 40:10-11
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. – Romans 8:18-21
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified. What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? – Romans 8:28-32
The overall theme that we wanted to convey during the service and the lunch we shared afterwards was from John 12, when Jesus tells his disciples, “I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.”
Not that we mean to compare in any real way the death of our son and the death of the Savior of all mankind, but our hope, just as we’ve hoped ever since we started this blog, is that something about James and our testimony as his parents would be a seed of faith in the gospel of Jesus Christ for anyone who is searching for one. “And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him” (Hebrews 11:6).
This time of year is so very selfishly hard for me. I lost my grandmother two years ago around this time. I met James on his birthday when he came to the NICU I totted him around during those nights he decided to hang with the night shift. My grannie always would say out of the mouths of babes, comes truth. She loved the honesty of our humble children. I take comfort in knowing James and Dora are with her and the mansion of mansions.
I am ever so grateful for this space. It may sound a bit odd that a stranger would confess to you how much James has come to represent to a woman you have no knowledge of. I have spoken of him to my parents, to my husband, to my friends. Because there is something about his countenance that suggests the most gracious part of God’s love.
I am even more rejoiceful to hear Abby is writing a book. She has shared some truly amazing insights and I believe many people will find her perspective faith-renewing and sustaining.
Please forgive me my need to be helpful in making the following suggestions w/respect to your publisher search:
I would suggest contacting any publisher of any religious books your church either purchases for sale in your bookstore, or as suggested reading. Information can be found inside the cover.
Also, local universities sometimes have connection if not publication capacity. I’m thinking Nebraska right off hand. Website is http://www.nebraskapress.unl.edu. I would suspect they’d at least be able to point you in the right direction.
Another suggestion, Morehouse Publishing Company, PO Box 1321 Harrisburg, PA 17105. http://www.morehousepublishing.org My husband’s cousin lost his son unexpectedly at 18 months from a sudden heart attack. His minister’s sermon was reprinted in a book about helping families cope with the grief of losing a child. The title is Preaching as Pastoral Caring: Sermons that Work #13.
And when she’s ready, she could consider taking some chapters to a writing workshop or group in your area. This is a great way to get constructive feedback/editing suggestions without paying. Wonderful support system, too, while she’s searching for a publisher. And more often than not, these groups have resources and connections to help her get going.
I don’t know if any of this is helpful, but I hope that you nor Abby give up. You both have so much to offer. Abby’s heart is so true, so vulnerable, and her genuine spirit is palpable.
And when she is published, I’ll be among the many in line for a copy.
Thank you for not forgetting all who have come to love you here in this space. Blessings, Jen D.
What a beautiful place for James! It seems very quiet and peaceful there, I hope that you both can enjoy going there and just sitting and thinking nice thoughts about James. I know that you don’t know me from Adam, but I hope you don’t mind me saying how much I have treasured getting to know James through his pictures and your stories.
Each of your entries have been touching and meaningful. This one is off the charts that way.
The poignancy and depth of feeling are unusually beautiful. The photo of John looking at James’ gravesite speaks a thousand words.
Sorrow, mixed with God’s mysterious ways…and the expectation of seeing James and Dora once again when all things will have become new. Oh what a day that will be! Meanwhile, we here on earth do grieve, yet not without hope.
John & Abby,
Thank you for continuing to allow others to read of your journey and your amazing faith. You are so brave and so inspirational as you share these gut-wrenching thoughts and emotions with honesty and grace.
Peace be with you,
CC
I’m praying as you write.
John and Abby,
Thank you so much for continuing to share your story with us. My thoughts and prayers are with you and James and Dora daily. James Rememberance spot is beautiful.
Janine
Well, I’m one of those people who read the entire blog in one sitting. I felt the ups and downs and the deep grief. I learned about your story on Leigh McLeroy’s Wednesday Words. God has done beautiful things in your life in your grief. Thank you for being faithful to Him throughout it all. And, for loving your son so well in his life here and entering into it all with all your heart. And, I grieve with you over Dora–I have my own children there with her as well! I await your book!
We’re missionaries for 15 years in Poland. This afternoon I’ve been “with” you.
May God carry your heart in precious ways these days…
Laura Hash
Dear John and Abby,
A few days ago my best friend sent me the link to Cakewreckers to cheer me up. Little did I know that it was linked to your other blog about your sweet little boy. I have read the whole thing and truly understand how you are feeling. Last summer (July 07) my 2 year old little girl went to be with the Lord after a year long battle with leukemia. Then last week we lost custody of the little boy we were in the process of adopting (the birth mother changed her mind). I have no great speech to give or no words that made my heart feel better. Just know that even strangers are praying for you and asking for God’s mercy and grace to be poured on your life.
In Him, Emily
Dear Abby and John, Thank you for sharing the story of your family with us. I am thrilled that Abby is writing a book! I started reading your blog on the day that James went to heaven. I read every word in one setting. I began praying for you on that day. Since then,I regularly check to see how you are and what has been added. (I am using the word ‘you’ meaning both of you.) Although my heart aches for you in your loss more than words can express, my primary feeling each time I read ANY of your entries is that God Is Glorified! The depth of your love and understanding of God touch me deeply and inspire me to study more and to be with the Lord more. You inspire me to a stronger faith.
My husband and I are the parents of a son that has Downs Syndrome. Like you we were totally unprepared! He, too, had many health difficulties. Keith is now 47 years old. Over the years we have often doubted our capacity to parent,and questioned our judgement but the Great Shepherd lead us through it all. It took us a lotlonger than you to discover that Keith is exactly as God intended him to be. Keith has had his own ministry unlike any other, just as Dora and James! I assure you that the seeds of faith planted by Dora and James are still growing because you are willing to share them with others.
In addition, I think it is important for me to tell you that when I started reading your blog my husband was critically ill. On the nights that I stuggled with fear and discouragement, I would read from my Bible and then reread your blog. Your words of faith, assurance and hope always reminded me of the steadfastlove of God and his faithfulness and showed me what that looked like in real life. Your example gave me courage. God’s path has led us to smoother ground and a wonderful period of peace and joy. It is my prayer that God bless you with abundant JOY! Keep studying! Keep loving one another! Keep writing! Keep Standing on the promises! I believe I am part of a multitude of people praying for you! Abby, your students are going to be richly blessed! With great love,admiration and hope for your future, Ann Jay