tears
Yesterday’s ultrasound had a couple of objectives. First, it was scheduled in order to evaluate the growth and development of the brain, in light of any possible genetic similarity to James’s holoprosencephaly. We both felt the probability of that to be remote. Secondly, at 16 weeks, we were hopeful that we might learn if James were going to have a brother or a sister. Internally, we’ve been thinking about the new baby as the “normal” one, and the one who would eventually be able to help us care for James.
In fact, we found out neither objective. At about 11:00 am yesterday we learned that the baby had been dead for at least 72 hours. The heart Abby heard beating strong in the 8th, 11th, and 14th week was finished. Liquification already begun in the brain. Red-brown amniotic fluid.
Gone.
We were thankful that Abby’s parents, who are experts in James’s care and therapy, were at home with him. Apparently it made him cry to see them crying.
Abby was given a room on the 9th floor of Winnie Palmer, where some old friends from the NICU came by to offer comfort. Floor 2 is for labor & delivery. Floor 3 is the NICU. Floor 5 is antepartum, for moms-to-be on bedrest. Floor 9 is a gynecological floor that Abby had been to before for postpartum NICU moms, and is apparently also used for delivery of dead fetuses. We’re pretty sure the only floors we haven’t been to are the ones with all the mirth.
Abby was given misoprostil to force her into labor, which we were told could take 24 hours or longer. The baby left the womb somewhat more quickly, at 11:35 pm on Wednesday, 6/18. While we rested for a few hours, the nurse prepared a dignified basket and dressed the 1.6-ounce, 5.5-inch body in a cloth envelope and tiny hat that still looked huge on its tiny head. Early in the morning we had some time to spend alone to say goodbye. Pastor Curt came around 6 in the morning, sat with us, mourned with us, prayed with us, and entrusted into the loving arms of Jesus our second born child.
Since the gender was hard to determine, we won’t know for a few days until the chromosomal tests come back whether this was Dora Jewel or Isaac Theodore Gjertsen. We chose the names to represent this precious gift of laughter from God that we now give back to Him with tears.
The pathologists will work with the body and the placenta, but there is a significant chance we won’t ever really know anything about the cause. Obviously, in terms of planning in the future, it would be useful to know if there is some commonality in the genetic abnormalities of our two children. Just the idea that there might be has really underscored for me the miraculous nature that James is alive today. I tend to think of him as weak in many ways, but in light of what we’ve been through in the last 24 hours, he is more of a fighter than I had previously been able to visualize.
Our Journey, Our Journey (chronological) | Comments (16)16 Responses to “tears”
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So sorry to hear about your loss. There is no greater loss than the loss of a much wanted baby. I have been following your family’s blog since I came across it accidently shortly after James was born. I check everyday for the latest news on how your little hero is getting along! I was so excited about your new addition and feel so sad that it is now gone. May you and Abby find the strength you need to take you through this awful time. James is very special and though he may be different in some ways than other children, keep in mind that it is usually those that are different that can change the world and James is doing that everyday with his joy of life and determination… Thanks for sharing your lives with us, Jo in England
I am so very sorry. I love you both (all 3, though I’ve never met James), and mourn with you. We’ll be praying for you.
Oh no oh no oh no oh no. This tragedy boggles our minds and rips at our hearts. Your dear baby had a different purpose, one we won’t understand. I’m so, so sorry. What a blow.
Heartfelt prayers, tears, and condolences. I am so very, very sorry. I know we’ve never met, but I have been following James’s story from the get-go.
May God help you through this time of grief.
Ray and I are so grieved to hear of your loss. We will be praying for you continually. We hope that you will be able to find comfort in remembering that your baby is now with Jesus where he will never have to experience pain, loss or suffering, only eternal joy.
We love you all very much.
I ache for you and I am begging God for mercy on your behalf.
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I pray you might find peace in time. Although I have never met you my daughter also has holoprosencephaly and I have been following James’s story from the beginning. We will continue to pray for all of you!
There are no words for times like these – only tears. I pray you will find some small comfort in knowing you will one day be reunited with your precious little one.
I echo everything here and add my own prayers, questions and tears. Jen’s right…no words can express what our hearts are feeling. May God give you strength for today and each day as it comes.
There are no words…
I am so sorry. We are praying for you and crying with you.
I’m crying again. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.
We love you all,
Laura R
Laughter can turn to anguish as you know. But to be loved as your precious children are both loved…….what a gift to both of them. Only God loves your babies more than you. He is in control. Run to Him for comfort.
With joy for the sixteen weeks you held your child so close….and with sorrow for your immense loss. Thank you God for the promise of Heaven!
Jennifer
in Pennsylvania
You are all in my thoughts and prayers. I’m so sorry for your loss. My heart is broken for you.
Amy
Abby…words, our tools, are not sufficient or satisfactory. I must simply say that you (and beloved family)are in my thoughts and prayers…sherry
Hello,
You probably do not remember me but I worked in Guest Services when James was in the NICU. I have followed his journey on this site and was so overcome with joy to learn about the 2nd baby. When I logged in today my heart just broke for you. My prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time.
hi, I don’t know you personally, but I clicked your link from a friends blog and saw that you live in the orlando area. I live in polk county florida, but am “high risk” so I am being followed by my doc at celebration and the mat/fetal health department at WP.
I am sorry to hear of your loss. Of both your losses. I have never been through the loss of a living child, but I have experienced 2-2nd tri losses, one at 16 weeks and one at 18 weeks. I also have a special needs son-he is 3.5 and is dx’ed with autism. He is high functioning, but I have been through the joy that is “early intervention”. Ugh.
I am also a believer, and if there is anything that I can do, even if it is just to be a listening ear, I included my myspace and of course email so please feel free to contact me.
Regardless, I am lifting your family up in prayer.