I think I know a little of how Mary must have felt, having a famous baby that attracted adoration from multitudes and gifts from complete strangers. James has received presents from people he has never met, people his parents have never met, even anonymous gifts left on the doorstep (thanks for the onesie and the fabulous diaper bag, whoever you are). People visit from down the street and out of town and out of state and want to meet him and bring him something. Others give their gifts in advice, prayer, and encouragement. We still don’t know how some of the people who email James and leave comments discovered his “star,” but he has certainly has amassed a large fan club.
Although the wise men’s gifts had the luxury factor, they certainly weren’t your typical cute baby gifts. They were practical provisions for the Holy Child’s future–from gold needed for the family’s sudden sojourn in Egypt to myrrh for anointing His body for burial. I wonder how much of His path Mary was able to divine from their offerings. I’m not convinced she knew the ending at the beginning of His life. Scripture says “she treasured up these things and pondered them in her heart,” and I wonder if she ever worried like I do about her baby’s future. Jesus had a lot foretold about Him that she might have known about. James’s recent MRI reading predicts his future, but we don’t know how much of it will come true.
Sometimes I take the news from the MRI in stride, and other times it weighs on me. The first night I had to shut myself in the bedroom and cry. The disappointment is great, and the fears are sometimes uncontrollable. I find myself wanting him to stay a baby forever so no one will notice that he is tiny, can’t walk, talk, or be potty trained. This is sad because it keeps me from enjoying his growth. Obviously it is the wrong reaction, and shows my fears of what the world will think of him. I want to protect him.
Other times the future seems distant as I deal with the present day-to-day of doctor’s appointments, feedings, therapy, and sugar checks. I get excited because he reached out and grabbed his rattle for the first time, or touched Nana’s face, or I get absorbed with how to fix his digestive problems with gas and constipation. He smiles, or better yet, laughs his super-cute laugh (in which he lifts his chin and smiles extra big and says “Hmm!”).
I forget about his looming developmental problems until someone in a doctor’s office casually asks if his small head is connected to his diagnosis. I forgot he had a small head…I forgot he is too small, too uncoordinated, too immunologically fragile, too skinny, too behind in so many ways. He starts to feel normal until someone points out a deficiency. Then, suddenly, it all rushes back and the progress I’ve been encouraging myself with seems too small to matter, like a naive but ultimately empty hope. I have to fight these feelings of defeat and despair with faith in a God that is not limited by medical diagnoses.
I keep reminding myself that James is a blessing, but he is under the shadow of a curse. His medical problems, imbedded in his body since conception, are the result of human disobedience and pride, which brought evil into the world long ago. The Christ child came to free us from this curse and make it possible for us to escape sickness, disease, and pain in an eternal life with Him. Someday, I hope James will be free of his limitations, able to smell, hear, and think normally, possessing muscle coordination and a functioning pancreas.
For now, like Mary, I watch and wait in faith that however well he progresses, my baby will touch many people’s hearts and bring glory to God. The gifts of James’s “magi” are not only practical provision for his needs, but also reminders of God’s faithfulness when the future seems uncertain.
“Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you,
and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you.
For the LORD is a God of justice;
blessed are all those who wait for him.” Isaiah 30:18
What a beautiful post, Abby. I can’t help but shed some tears with you. There’s no love like the love for one’s children. I have been follow your website daily and have just been sharing in your joys of James’ developments. The latest medical news is such a jolt back down to the ground. Every time you or John post, I want to comment, but when I sit down to type, I just can’t seem to think of anything adequate to say.
I guess the only thing I can say is that I do admire you and John. I admire how honestly you both write on this blog and mainly to yourselves. I admire how clearly you seem to process all the medical information and the emotions you have to deal with in your hearts.
Your entire family is constantly in my prayers. James’ journey seems to magnify how bittersweet life is… how wonderful God is, how miserable the world is. Daily life is a struggle. But eternal life is sweet. No matter what happens in this life for James, you will have this precious angel for all eternity.
Miracles do happen. I never give my patients false hope, I always tell them about the worse case scenarios. But praise Jesus for His mercy and grace, because there is hope in Him. Thank God that we are only sojourners in this world, and are not bound by earthly things. Like I wrote many months ago, I will continue to pray for abundant miracles in James’ life. I suppose that is the best gift I can offer.
Abby! You consistently amaze me. Thank you for sharing your heart. You and John are as an important part of the blessing that James is to all of us as James is himself. The first time a mosquito bit my baby- I wanted to hunt it down and bite it back! When something messes with your baby it touches areas of your heart that are overwhelming… I had never experienced the depth of joy or fear that I now know as a mother- having a baby is like having your heart outside of your chest. You must know as the Psalmists do- what it is like to rail against God and cling to him at the same time. I am sure some of your 3 AMs must feel like the “Perfect Storm” with emotions battling Theology. I am praying for you and John and James (even occasionally at 3 AM), and I feel honored to know you and get a glimpse into your hearts- they are beautiful, and James is beautiful.
Much love, Ashley Dempsey
I am awed at the wonder of God and how He moves among us. I am encouraged by your post and the posts of others. The thoughts communicated are beautiful.
I keep thinking this life is so much like a rollercoaster you ride for the first time…. The track’s enclosed so you have no idea what lies ahead… The ride seems so short during the steep climbs and so long during the fast, hairpin turns and “freefall” drops. This single event is both thrilling and terrifying. It’s a lot like life.
I slso keep thinking of God’s purposes and how we are sometimes tempted to believe, during the difficult times, that God may not have purpose in those times. During those times (I at least) we may think only ultimate purpose – eternal life -is possible. However, I am reminded of Eph2:10 which says “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.” Some may interpret “should” as “ought”. I interpret it as “will”. It seems Paul is reminding us that before the beginning of time (or at the very least before our walk upon this earth) we were created by Christ for God’s purposes – “good works”, not just glorification at the end but good purposes to be fulfilled each step in between. Thus it seems he is saying our entire lives, down to the smallest period of time, are “choc full” of purpose, that is, God’s purposes. Undoubtedly, He will see to it that, through Him, we shall fulfill all He has purposed. Nothing He does is contingent. His sovereignty does not allow His purposes to be unachieved.